iPhone Notes — Julia (goodbye to my youth, for now at least)
writings and ramblings by Julia Pistili
coming to terms with the fact that i've grown up and it's all over.
leaving the purple behind,
the haze of adolescence
and the pure unpredictability
of whatever the fuck it really is.
1
Nothing will ever compare to the feeling of the music blasting, unbuckling my seatbelt, screaming songs we know every single word to through an open sunroof. The pure freedom and carelessness that seizes my body is incomparable and it’s then—driving along the beautiful San Diego coast, with that fresh, crisp air, with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks—that I feel free. Those are the moments I feel most alive, filled with a euphoric sense of joy, like it’s all gonna last forever. These are the nights I'm always gonna remember; the nights I live for. The 1AM delirious drives, hearts pounding off Redbull, sugar, adrenaline, and teen angst. Working full-time summer jobs to save up for all the shows in the upcoming nine months of school. Not regretting breaking curfew, and the amount of trouble we’ll all be, in just for a couple more minutes. Moments of freedom that then feel indefinite. Because no amount of parental punishment will ever un-justify the memories that we've made on nights like these.
2
One day we all have this realization of how fast life has gone by. Looking out the passenger seat of a car - and suddenly all of my greatest, worst, and most random memories swarm to mind. It was as if I was walking through an art exhibit of my life, flooded with third person images of crying in my bed, beach night bonfires with my favorite people, stupid kissing games, and bliss-filled sweaty shows. A collage of my life played back on a cassette tape and I realized how everything had happened, all at once. I then realized how fast your world can change, within a few words or seconds everything you've ever known can shift completely. One day can make you into a completely different version of yourself - whether you decide to be or not.
3
Things don't feel shiny anymore - not like they used to, at least. The feeling of sitting outside some random backyard for a house show with five other people just doesn't feel special anymore - not like it used to, at least. Maybe it's not the lack of acceptance that there once was - or that I convince myself is no longer there. Maybe it's because it's not a Tuesday night in the middle of summer, when the sun doesn’t set until 9PM and it feels like an endless cycle of a euphoric dream. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not fourteen anymore. Maybe I've already lived through the excitement, where all the glitter’s worn off and it's just rusty metal now. I'm not a Brandy Melville, skinny-jeaned eighth grade girl who's completely lost anymore. I’ve (somewhat) found myself, and lived through a lot. And yes, it's comforting - coming to terms with who I am. But fuck, I miss it. I miss new experiences. I miss my mom dropping me off. I miss the act of discovery. I miss scrambling to make it home by 11:30, the sounds of laughter and crying and heartbreak and disappointment. I don't know how to describe it. Over, but not gone.
4
I dropped out of high school two days ago and it feels like I just threw my youth away. Here I am, sixteen with my whole life waiting for me, full of love and adventure. But why does it feel like it's just never going to amount to more? I'm leaving the most pivotal and conventional life step that american teenagers experience, after only a year and a half. I never even felt like I had the “teenage years'' to begin with anyway. I feel like I was never really a teenager. I was always too worried about everyone else, school and stupid shit. I never got that storybook romance, never just felt special. I was always the weird in between buffer friend or hookup to get by until someone else found themselves and moved on. On paper I had the most cliche, stupid and adventurous life; but it’s so far from it all. I don’t understand how I seemed to have slip through the cracks, as everyone else lived through it so seamlessly. In those moments and stories told, it was just the couple hours of the weekend I had waited through a whole miserable week to get to. I sound so fucking privileged and entitled and white; but sometimes I just feel like I missed out.
5
I’ve changed so much in these last couple of weeks, I dont even feel like myself anymore. Fuck, I don’t even use my full name anymore. I can’t tell if it’s a good or bad thing, or if it’s just growing pains and realizations of the future. That my actions actually matter for a change. Get the good grades to get the GPA to transfer to graduate to get a job and blah fucking blah. I just don't feel the same. The feeling of responsibility seeps in when all I wanna do is smoke and take pictures and sit at the beach all day contemplating the TRUE meaning of Fahrenheit 451.
6
I painted my nails red today. It’s the first time they haven't been purple in two years.
7
I listen to the same three albums on repeat - Drive North, SWMRS/ Vol. One, SadGirl/ Midnight in a Moonless Dream/ the Kinks self titled album. It's just the end of the era and I want to/don't want to accept it. It's a weird stagnant phase of growth and it just feels so unnecessary, I have no idea how to get out of it. It's not that I'm unhappy or discontent - this is the best I've been in years. I just want more. The problem is, I have no clue as to what or how to obtain the thing I don't yet know of. I love the chase, and envy the people who don’t.
Sometimes I wish it would just last forever. But at the same time, all I wanna do is run away and completely start over. Well, we’ll see where it all goes one day. I might end up in some white picket fence house in the suburbs - who really knows. It's all so erratic. There's a familiar unpredictability that surrounds the future - the good, bad, horrible, soul breaking, and the absolutely amazing. I know it's all gonna be there. The question is, within what context?
