Dealing With Depression (Alone, in Spain)

by Alai Landa

When I first moved to Spain for university, I could tell I wasn’t feeling my best, yet I kept excusing it as “still getting adjusted.” But then I was a few months in and I still felt like I was suppressed in this new city. I found this was because all the things I had identified with and utilized to show people who “I” was, were gone.

No one knew or cared who I was friends with, what car I drove, what city I grew up in, how I spent my time. Even my personality was suppressed because, although I was proficient in Spanish, I wasn’t well-versed enough to inject myself into the words I’d say. I knew only enough to say what I meant and that’s it. Not to mention, I was in my first-ever long-distance relationship with a 9 hour time difference.

I was totally stripped down; all I had to show for myself was … me. And for all the time I was spending alone, I didn’t really know who I was.

The most consistent challenge was the dorm I was living in, where I was the only “foreigner,” and my dining hall meals consisted of potatoes, spinach, lentil soup, and lots of Valencia oranges. Except for my next door neighbor who definitely had to work on herself, the girls were really nice; I just didn’t really “fit in.”

So, the first few months were really difficult. I constantly felt out of place and had no idea what I would do once the year was over, because I still carried the belief that I had to go back to university in the coming year. I spent many nights crying, and every new day was a challenge.

What drove me to help myself was a deep-rooted feeling that I had no excuse to be sad. Sometimes it would show itself in a skewed and ugly way when I’d blame myself for feeling sad and compare myself to those who had nothing, yet still lived each day to the fullest. But the intention was coming from a purer place.

It was difficult to uncover, because everyone I spoke to about it reassured me that my feelings were valid and I had reason to be upset. And sure my feelings were valid, but I didn’t want to sit back and justify my depression. Deep down, I knew that everyone has the potential to be happy at any time because it lies within, not out there. 

Make a Schedule And Stick to It. So, I stopped allowing excuses and started to fill up my week with activities that I could look forward to and would keep me aligned with my path of self development. I set up video calls with my therapist from home every Tuesday and signed up for a (life-changing) Kundalini yoga class every Monday and Wednesday evening.

For my free days, I wrote an hour-to-hour schedule and taped it to my desk. I dedicated all my free time to bike rides in the park, reading, studying, yoga/meditation, and working on Dated.

I also cannot forget to mention my natural supplements. Each day, I took 5-htp, a natural supplement which works with your body to alleviate anxiety and depression as well as regulate sleep cycles and eating habits. Which helped me a lot when I’d get caught up in thought loops. I also started to put a drop of Vitamin D oil in my water each morning, because I was experiencing the first real winter of my grown life. But please do lots and lots of research before going out and using these on your own.

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All of a sudden, I stopped seeing my predicament as a hopeless limitation of my potential, and began to treat it like a spiritual retreat. I mean, people literally spend thousands of dollars to eat bland food, go mute, and sleep on the floor. I recognized the blessing of having all my things stripped away because although I missed them, I had been unconsciously using them as a distraction from the hard work of self-love. 

Although things were much better, every day was still a challenge. I had to make a conscious decision every day to get out of bed and make productive choices for myself. And I have to admit, some days I gave in to the comfort of misery and stayed inside all day. In this daily work, I discovered that as we grow up, we become our own children; we must be our own motivators to do anything from eating and showering to going to the park or a museum.

The ego will do a lot to keep its control over the will. Somehow, you convince yourself it’s not worth going outside and riding a bike under the trees, or swimming in the ocean, or hiking on a mountain. DO IT. Always do it, no matter how strong that voice is, because this is how you are going to escape self-destructive habits and move into self-love.

To escape the hold your mind has on you, you must become aware of your mental patterns and alter them. If you want your current state to become something else, there must first be change. The most accessible methods are meditation (breathe) and time alone in nature.

Going outside alone allows you to observe how your mind moves and reacts in the face of the world. In turn, you get to know and appreciate yourself. And if you want to understand what meditation is all about, you can read this nice long guide I made here.

Soon enough, I started working on my book, spending time with new friends, and I was more in tune with myself than ever before. It was with this clarity that I moved past the limits I had allowed to be set upon myself, and started to follow my sacred path which has led me to where I am now — 6 days away from starting a backpacking trip from Panama (my birthplace) up to Northern Costa Rica with no return ticket. But I’ll get to that later.

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