It’s 6AM and I’ve Already Cried Three Times
words by Hannah Stimson, photos by Kyla
TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide
“Just crash the car and all your problems will go away.” - That’s what I tell myself as I exit the parking lot of another job I have grown to despise. I should be clocking in right now but I’m crying as I drive away because I feel guilty; guilty that my partner always shows up even when he doesn’t want to. I guess he’s the responsible one and I’m the crybaby. But I don’t care I tell myself I don’t wanna do it, I can’t take it anymore.
I feel like I’m ending this year the same way I started it and that thought makes my stomach churn and chest tighten. “Healing is not linear” I tell myself, am I even healing anymore though? Another part of me is screaming about money and bills. I can’t stand this battle in my head so I drown it out with music at full volume and just keep driving.
And then,
I look to my right and see dark outlines of rolling hills and the trees backlit by a slowly emerging blue and yellow sky. I look to my left and see a clear lilac sky with the full moon shining bright and high, casting just enough light on the vast, empty farmland. The grass is a pale yellow. I have the heat blasting on my feet and I roll the window down to feel the cold breeze caress my face. I am listening to “Blue Thunder” by Galaxie 500 and when I hear the lyrics “I’ll drive so far away” I completely break down. I’m crying, it’s so beautiful and I am so sad. I wish I had someone to share this with. And fuck, I wish I had my camera. For the first time in months(?) I am blasting music and singing along; I’m crying because I’m hurting so much and I feel so lost and don’t know what to do.
The sky is different depending which way you look but I’m driving so I have to be responsible and look straight ahead. However, I desperately want to look left and right to soak up the natural beauty; break the rules. What a great metaphor for my life. Do I follow the norm and keep driving straight, paying little mind to the vast wonders and possibilities around me or do I change course - get out and run into the woods maybe finding a whole new world? I’m still crying because I still feel so lost and confused and none of this is coming out right. But somehow I feel I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be - surrounded by natural beauty and good music, all alone on a backroad. I’m the driver, I get to decide what happens. So I pull into a gas station parking lot to write this and I’m watching some small birds play in a bush. It’s light out now but the moon is still here.
And so am I.
