First Hurt
by Tia Henricks, photos via The Wylde
“aches are uncomfortable because shift is taking place, an area you are outgrowing can be painful but it is needed, to alert you that movement is needed, there is just simply no more room to grow, heartache is just a pre warning sign that your time is done, you no longer have the space to flourish where you need”
and one day
its just you. and you alone.
this hits me on all kinds
my first break up taught me more about myself than i could have possibly asked for
it taught me love is a responsibility, in the last few months i have learnt an extensive amount on how to fend for myself . it sounds like a delight, independence, doesn’t it? it is only without the lesson of tough love and heartache. to me, having a 4 year high school relationship survive the entirety of high school, your most brutal years of your life, is truly a bitter sweet successful failure, and it is set up, to set YOU up.
your first relationship will teach you so many things
the best and worst of you will come flying out, pieces you never thought you had within you.
as will the first breakup..
i never knew what i was in for, it was like my whole world had completely flipped within a week, it was finally time to discover who i was and what my purpose was and nothing was more challenging than those first few months
post my first breakup, every relationship and situationship was destined for failure, little did i know why, i questioned why none of these things were working out with anyone, and how easily he had moved on and jumped into a brand new relationship.
i was searching for my worth in the shallowest of people, it was no where too be seen and i was getting walked all over more than a fucking footpath and falling hard for those who gave me the slightest bit of attention of what i thought was the long lost “love” that comes after such a heartbreak, a broken girl was so easily fooled in the small hope of finding what id lost and cried so many tears for, but that showed me a strength and a courage that it still exists within me but as i grow the less broken i become.
as the french would say “la vie en rose”. looking at the world through rose coloured glasses.
i was so lost i never thought id ever find anyone ever again, i had to dig so deep and pull out the parts of me that sat and ate me away, those pieces i call my self worth and insecurities, i was and still can easily base my self worth off the relationships that surround me. another lesson i’m learning quite quickly. my first breakup totally broke me, chucked me in the blender and ripped me to total shreds in ways i couldn’t fathom, as i’m sure it did to him, what tore me wasn’t necessarily the person, and this took me a long time to see and truly understand, it was everything i left of myself behind for the sake of keeping someone else happy, the dependance i had within him, the comfort and ease of access i had to a self worth and ego booster on demand. a simple phone call away as soon as things turned bad, i had no self love, i had no idea how to take care of my self i was ruined and he both made me love the parts he created and hate the parts i naturally carried without his input.
a beautifully good looking toxic relationship.
by all means, beautiful memories were shared some of my best, it may of felt like it was all guts now and then, but glory was held, and i still find it difficult to see those parts because of the hurt that i endured, i’m working on that, that pain never really goes away. in time it will heal. it is hard to move when that was such a major part of your teenage hood, but that is healing too, but only by the power of myself and total self love without that, i will be filling holes with others, and that cycle starts all over again.
i think i had to let go of the expectation that i could heal and be completely ok within a few months, but how could i?! 4 years is a lot of time, energy and emotion shared between two people that simply does not disappear in a matter of months, energy never perishes just morphs into other areas, so use it wisely.
in the end, it was never him, it was what he gave me, selfish but that is the brutal truth. he gave me what i couldn’t give myself, love and admiration, i had no belief in myself i had to have every reason to need convincing of what i was capable of. that also is changing rapidly as i progress.
so he, my biggest lesson, my most treasured, my most hated and most “loved”.
seeing that is now my first step to growth, people will always have something to teach you and more often than not, those lessons are more about you then they are them.
i began to see a pattern in the relationships and situations i was attracting into my life, mirror images of my self worth and what i thought of myself at that time, and now? with time, there only getting better, healthier, slower and less demanding on what they needed from me, less selfish and more selfless, and that is simply me becoming stronger in my will and most importantly in my worth.
it comes with acceptance and most importantly patience, and maybe you need to be completely alone first, to endorse every moment with yourself, to love every acreage that you were born with, in theory this sounds simple, obviously we are all learning this but managing to see it is the first step to success in self love, its natural to attract others into your life, but it can be dangerous while healing from such a hefty hole, a broken heart is an open wound, it is bound for infection and delay if its left unbandanged, it has to be taken care of. it has to reshape, it has to be happy and healthy before it can dedicate such a huge energy again, it needs time because bigger love than yo could handle is coming, but not until you are truly ready for it. there will be a breakthrough moment and this is mine.
so take the time for you first to heal to care for the self
it gets better
endings are only the beginning of something much more purposeful
you are already the love you seek in others
t x